I happen to be one of the world’s worst boat drivers. I learned this when I got a chance to drive my friend Paul’s bass boat, roughly 23 years ago.
One day Paul, Russ and I were out on the lake doing what teenagers in boats normally do, namely buzz other unsuspecting boaters at high speeds at distances almost close enough to pulverize other boats and tubes and skis. We did this because if we didn’t, some other boat owner would certainly buzz us, and none of us had a boat, tube or leg that we were willing to sacrifice. It was buzz or be buzzed.
We were screaming around the lake like madmen at nearly 50 MPH, with Paul at the helm, irritating pretty much everyone on the lake and making most wish they were better shots with a rifle than they were.
Then I came up with a grand idea: how about I drive? Paul had been driving for as long as we could remember, and I felt it would be great fun if I zipped us around the lake and nearly killed other weekenders. But neither I nor Russ had ever asked Paul if we could drive. I looked at Russ, shrugged, and tapped Paul on the shoulder. He slowed down and looked back, the slightest hint of irritation on his face.
PAUL: What? I almost got that guy’s tube that fell out of the boat back there. I can probably make another pass before they pull it up.
ME: Well, uh, I was just wondering if I could, uh, you know, give this thing a try.
PAUL: What?
ME: Can I drive around the lake once?
PAUL: Ah, no.
With that, Paul punched the throttle, swung around hard left, and missed the errant tube by a hair, but managed to thoroughly anger the tube’s owner. We fled quickly to an adjoining lake, where we slowed down and cooled off, wondering just exactly how poor Paul’s genetic material is. At this point, we all wanted to go back to Paul’s cottage to get some food, and I thought this to be an excellent opportunity to see if I could make the short trip back. After lots of noise and arguing, Paul finally conceded and agreed to let me take the wheel.
PAUL: Okay, this thing here is the throttle, and this gizmo here is the steering wheel. Don’t try anything stupid. If you tip this thing over, or in any way damage it, you will likely die today. Got it?
ME (marveling at the steering wheel): Sure man. It’s a boat. Not much different than a car, am I right?
With that, I pegged the throttle and swung around towards Paul’s cottage. After about two and three-fifths seconds, I became bored with straight line travel and decided to see if the laws of physics applied to boats. They did.
In the time it took for me to swing the wheel as far left as I could (leaving the throttle goosed, of course), all three of us watched in horror as the left edge of the boat dipped about one inch underwater and Russ and Paul were nearly catapulted out of the boat into the drink. In that same instant, Paul somehow managed to swing the wheel back into a safe position, thereby leveling the boat and saving us all from making the nightly news. He glared at me, grunted a couple of times, and ordered me to the back of the boat.
That experience being what it was, namely a seemingly certain brush with death and the permanent categorization of myself as a bubbling idiot in Paul’s mind, we returned to his cottage where I pondered the day’s events and drew conclusions to what boating needed to be an acceptable pastime.
The answer? More quality Internet, of course. So here we go:
- Here’s John Gruber with a poignant analysis of Microsoft’s current state of the union. No fanyboyism here, just some astute between-the-lines interpretation.
- Michael Pollan, one of my favorite authors, explains the strange juxtaposition of the decline of American household cooking and the rise of watching people cook on TV.
- I could not agree more with David Pogue’s grassroots movement to Take Back the Beep, which opposes the blatant money-grab by wireless carriers to have mandatory 15-second voicemail instructions. At this point, if you don’t know how to use voicemail, you probably shouldn’t be operating a phone.
- The good news: women are getting more beautiful. The bad: men aren’t. But it doesn’t seem to matter, evolutionarily-speaking.
- Tom Insam: “It’s hard to like Android.” (thx John Gruber)
- TechCrunch’s MG Siegler asks “Can AT&T Handle the iPhone?” The only mistake in his excellent post is phrasing the title as a question.
- Flarf is a form of postmodern poetry made by stringing together phrases from web searches. As kottke notes, it began as a joke, and then evolved from bad to ‘sort of great’.
- Finally, here’s a heckler I find amusing. A jerk, yes, but an amusing jerk.
Have a great weekend, everyone.
